A little crazy never hurt anyone, right?

It has been almost a month since my last post, the reason being; I think I’ve temporarily lost my mind.

In the span of four weeks, I’ve crossed the line (sex with Mr. Producer) had a serious make-out session with a crazy but HOT 27 year old Brazilian, been on three additional random dates and continue to logon to the terrible online dating site on a regular basis.

In the background of all of this, the ex is spending far too much time at my house. When he’s around it is all tears and drama. I love him, but really, it is making me more than a bit nuts at this point. For some reason, unknown to me, he believes that it may be in our best interest to get back together. There are two major flaws with this thinking:

Nothing has changed.
As a result, I’m not interested.

Because I no longer freak-out at the bad choices he makes, he thinks I’ve changed. When I try to tell him that is not at all the case, he says that he’s changed. That too, is not at all the case. He is still drinking far too much, not seeking out any help, spending money like it grows on trees, and not able to make a decision to save his life. It is a stunted existence at the moment and an unhealthy one to say the very least. He's an amazing man at the core and it makes me so sad to see him like this but it is time to pull up his socks and get things together. Hmmmm... maybe I'm not the best person to be saying those words.

As part of my new craziness, I’ve been allowing myself far too many self-destructive indulgences. I like to tell myself that I am making these choices because I want to, but I’m not really sure that is the true answer.

At the moment, I’m terrified that my fear of being alone is going to drive me back to the ex. For all of his faults, he loves me more than anyone I’ve ever been with, the sex is terrific, and frankly with him, it is easy to just be which makes it far too easy for me to fall back into where we left off. I know that’s not the answer.

So in an attempt to keep that from happening, I’ve been filling my life with work, friends, too much vodka soda and jays, and then single girl escapades to round the whole thing out.

Some of the later has been rather fun. Mr. Producer, although not usually my type physically, turned out to be pretty fucking good in the bedroom. A little more low-key that I am used to but soft and gentle and really knows how to use what god gave him. Too bad that in all of my craziness, I actually lost my nut with him one night right after a quick booty call.

What Mr. Producer neglected to tell me is that he can’t finish with a condom. Hmmmm… considering we would only ever have sex with a condom this struck me a BIG problem when he told me. I don’t know if it was because I was tired, PMSing, stoned, feeling inadequate or just more of the craziness coming through but I totally gave him an earful. And in appropriate fashion, he fully dumped my ass the following week. I of course have a rather bruised ego from all of this.

In fact, for the first time in my adult life the following has happened:
I was into Mr. Producer far more than he was into me.
I was with a man (more than once) who didn’t finish – WTF?!? Talk about ego-crushing!
I got dumped from a non-relationship – deservingly so, but dumped nonetheless.

All of this being said, I’m glad that he was the one I crossed the line with, he’s a good guy we have lots in common and I really dig his amusingly cynical attitude. Timing is everything. I think if we had of connected six months from now, the outcome may have been a bit different.

Now, I need to get my ass back to therapy and figure this shit out before I completely self-destruct.